This is part two of a post I started on November 15th and meant to finish the following day, but the break-in at my duplex plus the busy holiday season combined with some unexpectedly strong seasonal depression (could really use some prayer for that for those of you that are so inclined) really put a damper on my sense of humor and I haven’t felt much like blogging the past couple weeks.  I’m still not quite feeling teh funny yet, but you’ve waited long enough I suppose to hear the story of how I got my nickname.  Sorry for the delay, but here it is so keep your shirt on.

G Fresh.

What a stupid nickname.  It sounds like a really bad white rapper or a trying-too-hard-to-be-hip feminine hygiene product.  Which; if you know me at all, you know that I despise rap/hiphop and I’m hardly ever mistaken for a douchebag.

Hey look!  It’s the best of both worlds.  “Stop.  Collaborate.  Listen…Please?”–-Vanilla Ice 2011

Regardless, it’s the nickname I’ve had for the past decade or so and I’ve gotten used to it; even becoming rather fond of it as evidenced by the fact that I use G Fresh or Matty G Fresh for pretty much every single one of my online usernames.

10 years ago back home in Indiana, I used to frequent this neighborhood bar where everybody knew my name although they never actually shouted it out when I walked into the room which; I’m not gonna lie, was a little disappointing.

On the corner of the bar was installed one of those touch screen video game machines where for a quarter you could totally get your Mah Jong on, or any number of other equally exciting games.  The wait staff at said bar and a few regulars like myself called it the Crack Machine due to its addictive qualities and the speed with which you could blow through an entire roll of quarters if you weren’t paying attention.

One of the servers and I had a friendly rivalry going on a game called Crystal Balls which was similar to Tetris, but a lot more difficult because rather than shapes it involved colors and numbers which can be awfully hard to keep track of; especially if you’ve had a couple of beers to drink which is not an uncommon occurrence at bars, or so I’ve heard.

A lot of laundry did not get done because of this game.

If you got one of the top ten scores you got to enter your name on the Crystal Balls Wall of Fame right next to Miss Cleo and Professor Trelawney (You down with HJP?  Yeah, you know me!).  Needless to say, we spent a metric buttload of quarters and wasted more hours than I care to count trying to outdo each other until eventually all ten of the top scores belonged to either him or me.

However, the first time I broke into the top ten at the beginning of our rivalry, I discovered that MATT GATES had too many letters to fit onto the Wall.  Jokingly, my friend suggested that I use G FRESH because it fit the character limitations and also (besides the G for my last name) had absolutely nothing to do with who I am or what I like; qualities one always wants to have when entering a nickname into a video game.

For some reason the name just stuck and I started using it for e-mail addresses, usernames to make comments on blogs and dating website profiles, which let me tell you was not as popular with the ladies as I’d hoped it would be.

Your Match.com username makes me think less of you as a person in a comically exaggerated way.

Eventually, most of my friends just started calling me G Fresh in person and even after moving from northeastern Indiana to Nashville, Tennessee, like a bad penny with a dumb nickname (Ooh, Broke-Ass Abe…awesome.), the moniker kept showing up and eventually I just accepted it.

At this point, I’m giving 50/50 odds that it will end up on my tombstone.

Matthew Philip “G Fresh” Gates 1977-20??  “He stayed Fresh until the decomposition set in.”


Who’s your favorite douchey white rapper?

How was your Thanksgiving?  Canadian friends; how was your Thursday?


15 thoughts on “#AnticipationIsTheBestSpice

  1. Ahhh, I have been waiting for this one. Good to have you back. You made the list.

    My favourite douchey white rapper has got to be Moneyboy. You don’t have to understand German to understand the sadness (the German I know gets me to translate the title: Show off the swag). Enjoy, although your ears may bleed afterwards. I’ll consider myself Canadian: my Thursday was well, ordinary.

    • I know you’re Dutch, but for some reason I thought you lived in the U.S. You don’t?

      I’ll have to check out that video when I get home (Youtube is blocked here at work), but based on your description it sounds like a winner. 🙂

    • A few things:

      1)Why a Yankees hat? I don’t understand that.
      2)I love the seemingly random English words and phrases. With those surrounded by a language I don’t know, it sounds like something produced by a random word generator. Which…well, it still may be that.
      3)Have you been to Money Boy’s website? If not, you need to go there immediately. Oh my. Go to the Newsletter page and look at the “Swag On” shirt he’s wearing. It’s hard to miss: it has a giant light switch on it. This might sound weird, but I almost want one of those shirts.

      By posting this video, you have managed to make my life both better and worse. This is a very difficult task to accomplish. You should be proud.

    • I still live in The Netherlands, at least until I have my MSc. After that, I am planning to move to the US, although I will be visiting Missouri (I’m sorry for that one) as much as I can before that.

      Get jealous, I have the Swagger University shirt. The guy is uncomfortably intrigueing, every part of it is. The English words are btw replacements for German words. So wherever the German word for ‘money’ would appear, he uses the English word. That’s what you hear. I think he does so because he’s cool.

    • That’s what I assumed, but I thought it impolite for me to say so in the body of the post.

      Also, I couldn’t find a good picture of you because your face was in all of them so I used Vanilla Ice instead.

  2. 1. Toby Mac. I don’t know that he could be considered a favorite. But he certainly is a white rapper. And a douchebag.
    2. Full of turkey.

    Isn’t it interesting how nicknames come about? I think I have a nickname from every decade (or half-decade) of my life. The one that I had when I was a kid, Ooker, I don’t often tell people because when I used to, they thought I was saying hooker…high class.

    • I have a friend who worked a conference that he was performing at. She thought he’d be a cool guy too….apparently he wasn’t. Now everytime I see him, all I can think is “douchebag”…but I still get my jam on to “I love rap music”. How can I not?

      Ooker was given to me by my friend’s mom. I was a PK and had to do lame jobs at church like serve people coffee. One day she came to get coffee and complained that the sugar had gone all ooky and I must be a sugar ooker. Since then, she’s never called me anything but ooker or ook…and half the church ended up calling me that. Still not as cool as G Fresh tho… (;

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