#AccordingToGym

First of all, I want to apologize to everyone for the visions of Jim Belushi making out with Courtney Thorne-Smith that just went racing through everyone’s head.

But to be fair, he should probably apologize for his entire career.

Secondly; today all I have for you is a list post.

OH NOES!!1!1  A list post?!  Really??

Yeah, sorry.  It’s Friday and my thinker hurts.

Anyway…

I joined a gym and started working out almost 5 years ago now.  I really enjoy it and try to go 4-5 times a week, but there are definitely a few downsides that the staff member who gives you the tour of the facility prior to you signing on the dotted line neglects to mention…I’ve compiled a list:

5 Things They Won’t Tell You Before Joining a Gym

1.  Germs, Germs, my Downward Facing Dog.  Just because you disinfect the gym’s mat after you use it for your hot yoga class doesn’t mean that everyone else does.  In fact, based on the yoga classes I take 2-3 times a week and observing the behavior of the participants afterward; I’d say that most don’t.  There’s a very good reason they smell like sweaty Wookiee feet.  If you take classes like these at your gym, I would recommend buying your own mat and bringing it with you.  Or you could just give me a call and I’ll come with you!  LOL!!!  …You know…because my name is…nevermind…

My leg warmers aren't nearly as ostentatious as these.

2.  There will be grunting.  Every gym has them; those guys who look like they have small to medium-sized puppies running around inside their arms and legs every time they so much as reach up to scratch their nose.  Vocally expressing their perceived virility on every weight repetition; occasionally rising in a crescendo to a full-out yell, these guys are the ones who have to walk sideways to get through doorways and would be absolutely useless in a fight due to their pecs obstructing every arm movement that isn’t a bicep curl.

Really dude?? I'm pretty sure he ONLY communicates in grunts these days.

3.  The mirror adds 10 pounds.  This one falls entirely into the realm of speculation, but I wouldn’t be at all surprised to learn that the mirrors at gyms have a slight fun house bend in them to make it appear as if you’re a little bit heavier than you actually are.  It makes sense, right?  If you keep thinking you have weight to lose, you’re more likely to stay there and keep paying your membership fees.

Hmmm...I maaay have had too much weight on that squat bar...

4.  People fart more at the gym than at other places.  It’s true…I think.  All of that squeezing and twisting of your stomach, especially during core workouts kind of forces the gas out; sometimes a little uncontrollably.  And sometimes you do this in front of an attractive member of the opposite sex.  Usually when this happens you can just comically hold your nose, point to the guy on the treadmill in front of you, roll your eyes in a “SOME people”-like gesture and voila’, you’ve successfully shifted the blame.  Every once in a while though; you’re in yoga class, it’s completely silent,  there are only like 4 people in the studio including the teacher, and you’re in Happy Baby Pose…  Not that I would know from experience…

...READY!...AIM!...

5.  Old guys in the locker room post-workout are like Honey Badgers (NSFW language warning).  They just don’t care.  You’ve never really died inside until you’ve seen two naked geriatrics talking to each other whilst employing the “Power Stance”.

Like this, except naked...and facing you.

Hmmm…I probably should have issued a Brain Bleach warning for this post.

My bad.

Questions:

For those of you who work out, what are some of the weird things you’ve seen at the gym?

Seriously, why does Jim Belushi still keep getting hired for stuff?

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18 thoughts on “#AccordingToGym

  1. I have stopped going to a gym – maybe because it takes too much brain bleach. The two things that isn’t gross but annoys me to no end are:
    1. The girls who come to “work out” and then lazily use the elliptical. Seriously honey you maybe burned 200 calories in that “hard workout.” Come to sweat or don’t bother.
    2. On the note of sweating the other class of girls who do the lazy work out but in full sweats. Just because you sweat does not mean you burned 3 times as many calories, it just means you chaffed a lot in that wet cotton…

    • Yeah, I saw a woman the other day who was talking on her cellphone while standing on the side rails of a completely stationary arc trainer. I was thinking, “Really? You can’t talk and walk at the same time?”.

  2. I don’t work out. I act like I’m 40 years older, so I take long walks, bycicle rides and occasionally will run if I’m about to miss my train. I don’t like that, most of the times I’m spending two minutes in a train that’s not going anywhere catching my breath. Every now and then, I have a job that involves labor. I visited a gym a few times, but had to alter the weight on the machines to the toddler level and got annoying looks from the tiny girl that came behind me, because she had to set it back.

    • Thanks!

      Also, thanks for being an actual person. I wasn’t sure for a minute; your Twitter looked legit after you followed me, but it wouldn’t let me see your Tweets or followers/who you follow for the longest time after I followed you back. 😀

      I was like, “Crap. Did I just follow a bot? Well played, Internets. Well played.”.

    • Also, as you work at a gym are you able to confirm or deny my fun house mirror theory?

      The world awaits your answer with bated breath. 😉

  3. Loved this post ! Oh, the gym. I wrote a post about people you’ll find at the gym a few months ago. Such a plethora of unique individuals. Having worked at a couple gyms, I feel like I’ve seen/encountered it all. The weirdest? A guy insisting that I go with him to the basement so he could show my a “better” place to teach my kickboxing class. Yeah…no.

    Also, it never ceases to boggle my mind to see people working out in jeans.

    • Yeah, there’s this older lady in one of my hot yoga classes who works out in jeans. I thought at first they were jeggings or something along those lines, but I was beside her once in a class and they’re definitely jeans. I just can’t imagine doing YOGA of all things in jeans. #smh

      Do you have a link to your post about gym people? I’d like to check it out. 🙂

    • At the Y, the heat isn’t that bad. I’ve taken a couple of hot yoga classes at a dedicated yoga studio close to where I live and holy cow! There was a lot of hanging out in Child’s Pose while I tried to catch my breath.

    • That that is kind of ew. A perpetual farter? I was only referring to occasionally letting one out in a compromising yoga/pilates position, but frequently is kind of gross. He/she might want to change their diet. 🙂

    • It was bad in my hot yoga class last night. Someone (NOT me) was going to town in the area where I was set up. It was rank and made the yogic breathing super difficult. 😀

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