Halloween is difficult for me.

Not because I don’t enjoy dressing up and going to a party or two…it’s just that…I…have a dark secret…

…I’m not very proud of it, but I…

…I peaked early…

…in the costume department.

“WHAT?!”, I can hear you saying now, “Surely not you?!  You’re so smart and funny and good looking…and wherever you go, butterflies alight on your shoulders and unicorns nuzzle in your hand for apples and both of them weep for joy whilst singing hymns to your magnificence.  Surely YOU can’t be stumped for new costume ideas?!”.

Sorry my friends, but it’s true and here’s why:

It was Halloween 2005.  I was still living in Indiana although this was my last Fall there.  A buddy of mine had an idea for a duo costume that, being a massive geek, I found awesome—the Super Mario Bros.

Neither one of us were big fans of store-bought costumes so we decided to make them from scratch; buying the different pieces here and there and putting them all together over the course of about a month until…voila!  Awesomesauce.

Our hosts got mad when we started breaking their ceiling tiles looking for coins and/or mushrooms. We might have imbibed a smidge too much.

After making and wearing this costume proudly AND winning Best Dressed Couple with my friend Brian which was weird, but there was a candy prize involved so we just went with it; it was difficult for me to even try anymore because, I’m sorry, you’re just not gonna top that costume.

Halloween just got a little sad after that.

In 2006, although I was living in Tennessee by this point, I happened to be back in Indiana for a visit during Halloween.  I didn’t have time to put together anything elaborate so I went with the $5.00 make-up kit from the soon-to-be-clearance bin at Wal-Mart and came to the party as Generic Skull-Faced Man AKA Crap-I-Can’t-Believe-How-Big-Boned-I-Let-Myself-Get Man.

Yep, definitely big-boned.

2007 I don’t think I participated in Halloween for some reason that year, at least not that I remember.  Maybe I went as an amnesiac?

2008 Hey look, it’s our old friend Mario!  However, this was for a party in Nashville where no one had ever seen the costume so it’s not a complete copout.  Also, I had a girlfriend at the time (which happens once every Presidential Election or so) and she went as Princess Peach.  We actually broke up the next day, but that didn’t have anything to do my choice of costume.

Mr. T and Honey Badgers don't care.

2009 I was back in Indiana for a visit.  I had been planning on making a decent effort on the costume that year and was gonna come as a Redneck Zombie, but I couldn’t get the zombie makeup to look right at all so rather than looking like the “I Like Turtles” kid,

No. Just. No.

I washed off the gray makeup, slathered on some red and went as The Most Obvious Redneck Ever.

Yep. That sure is a red neck. And a Jello shot. Halloween FAIL.

Last year it was back to Mario again, but it was among a totally different group of friends in Nashville so I was pretty safe until I ran into this guy.

Total poser.

It's like Kris Kristofferson and Mario had the ugliest baby ever.

So now comes this year and I have no idea what to be and have about a week to go until the main Halloween party I’m attending gets here.


What should I be?

What are you going as?

What’s the coolest costume you’ve ever worn or seen?

Bonus Pic:  Cheesiest Before & After picture you’ve ever seen; taken a couple of years after I started trying to get into shape inspired by the pictures I saw of Big-Boned Skeleton Face.

Pose was intentionally cheesy for a fitness-centric social networking site I used to be on. I swear I'm not that big of a douche in real life.


21 thoughts on “#HappyHalloWhatTheHeckShouldIWear

  1. The coolest costume I’ve ever worn was a scary/psychotic nurse. It was about 11 years and 25 pounds ago. It wasn’t your typical “sexy nurse” but I bet I was sexy. The coolest one I’ve ever SEEN? I absolutely cannot answer that as I have been to TOO MANY Halloween parties thrown by theatre people.

    This year I’m going as Kaylee from Firefly.

    I think you should go as a Browncoat. Surely you could make and/or rent the stuff for that!

  2. My friend Mike was a Christmas tree last year. He wore a green shirt, fastened a star shaped tree topper to his head, hung some ornaments from his shirt, and wrapped himself in lights. I think the coolest part was that because he was plugged into the wall, everyone had to come to him if they wanted to talk to him.

    I think MY best costume was last year when I came dressed as one of my friends. She came later, looked at me, pointed at herself, pointed at me, and pointed at her self again and asked, “are you me?” Her husband kept thinking I was her too…awkward and hilarious.

    This year my costume is still undetermined.

    You should go as one of your Strawberry Kickasses.

  3. My lanky self and my shorter/stockier best friend made a pretty fantastic Mario Bros. one year for a facial hair fashion show. We even grew our own mustaches!

    This photo isn’t exactly “quality”, as the kids say, but it’s a great example of how tight my friend’s overalls were.

  4. i hate halloween! i don’t think i’ve dressed up as anything since i was approximately 20. i was a “police woman.” i knew someone who pinned little stuffed baby chickens all over his shirt and said he was a “chick magnet.” i thought that was pretty clever.

  5. My friend dressed as a giant milk carton. He poked out of the “Have you seen this child?” part of the milk carton.

    and DUDE, I gave you plenty of ideas. Yet you still have to blog about more. Jerk.

    My best (most disgusting) costume was when two friends and I dressed as Bingo Ladies. We were revolting.

    • Yeah, you gave me a few ideas and even though I thought it was clever; I was afraid the Blackeyed Peas costume would get me beaten up by fans of good music. Honestly, I probably wouldn’t have blamed them and possibly would have joined in.


      Bingo Ladies? You mean the little old ladies that go play Bingo? How are they revolting? I demand pictures!

      P.S. If I could figure out how to do it, I think it would be awesome to somehow cross Freddy Krueger with Chad Kroeger and make the ultimate nightmare machine; Freddy Kroeger. He can destroy your soul and/or will to live when you’re asleep or when you’re awake. No place is safe anymore.

  6. My oldest niece told my sister-in-law a few weeks ago that she wants to be bowser for Halloween this year and she wants my brother to be Yoshi because he eats a lot. This should be entertaining to see.

  7. Pingback: #BRAAAIIIIIINNNNSSSS | #LifeInHashtags

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